I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
