you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
