Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
