Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
ttyl tear gas
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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