How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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