And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
