A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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