I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
