I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
