He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
