There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
