I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
