Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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