I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
please come you make the beer taste better
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
