Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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