mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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