Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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