So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
