After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
