this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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