He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
