shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize