I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
