you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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