i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It's official drugs can't kill me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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