Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
