Yo dont text me then not text me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
