matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
