Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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