i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
