so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
