happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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