He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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