If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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