i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm just crazy horny about you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
