Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
