god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize