is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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