I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Randomize
