I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
