I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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