Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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