saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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