How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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