was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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