my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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