my phone needs a breathalizer
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
