My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
