I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
