just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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