I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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