Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
