When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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