I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
